HAPPINESS QUOTES AND OTHER STORIES

ARTHRITIS
A novice went to the local priest who happened to be very busy. "Sir," he asks,  "do you know what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "Drinking alcohol causes arthritis, not following the will of God causes arthritis, cavorting with unsavoury women causes arthritis. Why do you ask?" he growls angily. "Because it says here in the church herald that the bishop has arthritis."

THE OTHER SHORE
The disciple goes walking and comes to the shore of the river. He looks up and down to seek a way to the other side but can see none. Suddenly he eyes a master sitting on the other shore. “Excuse me master how do I get to the other shore?” He shouts. The master looks up and down the river a while, “but you are on the other shore,” was his reply.

LEAVE ENJOYMENT
An affluent man once told the master that, try as he might, he simply couldn’t stop the urge to make money.

“Even at the cost of enjoying your life, alas” said the master.

“I shall leave enjoyment of life for my old age.”

“If you ever live to have one,” said the master as he recounted the story of the highwayman who said, “Your money or your life!” “Take my life, I’m saving my money for my old age.”

The happy people are failures because they are on such good terms with themselves they don't give a damn. Agatha Christie

What's the use of happiness? it can't buy you money.

Unhappiness in not knowing what you want and killing your self getting it.

Most people would rather be right, than happy.

HORSE MANURE    top of page
The teacher in the class had given all the children in the class an assignment to make something out of clay. When she approached Johnny, she said, "Hi Johnny, what are you playing with?" Johnny replies, "Horse manure." ("Ugh," she thought) "What are you making out of your horse manure?" "A teacher!" he said. She thought she'd better report this to the principal, so she told the principal, "I think Johnny has regressed, maybe you should have a word with him."

The principal said, "Hi Johnny, what are you playing with?" Johnny replies "Horse manure." "And what are you making with your horse manure Johnny?" "A principal," Johnny replies."Mmm, this boy needs to go see the school Psychologist" the principal thought. The Psychologist was a clever fellow starts by saying, "Hi Johnny, I know what you are playing with." "What?" asked Johnny. "Horse manure," said the Psychologist, "Right, answerd the boy. The the Psychologist said, "And I know what you are making with that horse manure." "What?" said Johnny. "A Psychologist!" "Wrong," answered Johnny, "Not enought horse manure."

WAKE UP
"Wake up sir," said the nurse to the patient. "why whatever for," said the man sleepily. "Oh I forgot to give you your sleeping pills."

ATTACHMENT
A man and woman were talking about their relationship. "I think you should leave this relationship, I think you should leave me, I don't make you happy." Said the man. "What do you mean, I don't want to be happy, I want to be with you." She replied.

JOHN AND MARY   top of page
There was this couple, Mary and John, who believed they would return in another life. They got married and, as part of their wedding vows, promised that if one died, the other would attend a seance exactly four weeks later and contact the other.

Twenty happy years later, the man dies, and the woman, Mary, sticks to her vow and visits a seance four weeks later. It went something like this: Mary: "Is there anybody there? I'm seeking my deceased husband John. Is he there?"

Strange, booming voice: "Mary? Is that you, Mary?"Mary: "Yes John, is that you?" John: "Yes, it's me." Mary: "How are things where you are, John? What's it like?" John: "Great, Mary. Everyday after breakfast we make love until lunchtime, which lasts about half-hour, then we make love until dinner. After dinner, we make love until we fall asleep.

It's great. I can't wait until you get here." Mary (shocked): "Is that what Heaven's like?" John: "I'm not in Heaven." Mary (fearing the worst): "Then where are you?" John: "I'm a rabbit in Florida!"

WOULD YOU ADAM AND EVE IT
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?" "Well... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. But remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."

GOLF WITH JESUS   top of page
One day, Jesus, Moses and an older gentleman were playing golf. The hole was a short Par-3, with a small pond right in the center. Moses walks up first, pulls out an 8-iron, and swings. The ball looks short, and is about to hit the water when Moses suddenly thrusts his arms out to both sides. The water in the pond parts, and the ball rolls along the bottom of the pond, up on the green, and eventually comes to rest about 6 inches from the pin.

 Jesus takes the next shot, pulls out his 9-iron and swings. Again, the ball looks short, and looks like its going to hit the water as well. But instead, the ball bounces off the surface of the water, rolls along the top of the pond, on to the green, and stops about 3 inches from Moses's ball.

The older man is up next. He walks to the tee, pulls out his pitching wedge and takes half a swing. The ball slices sharply to the right, hits a tree and bounces left. It bounces off the second tree, and goes right in the pond with a resounding plop. In the pond, a fish swims by and picks up the ball as its sinking in the pond, and swims it to the surface. Just as the fish comes to the top of the pond, a bird flies by and plucks the fish out of the water. The bird flies around the green with the fish (still holding the ball) about 3 or 4 times, when he swoops down toward the green. And just before the bird hits the green, the fish drops the ball right in the hole. Jesus and Moses look astonished for a few moments, until Moses gets angry, and throws down his clubs. He gives Jesus a dirty look, and exclaims "That's it! I'm NEVER playing golf with your dad again!"

OPINIONS
A very learned professor went to a Zen master to find out about the nature of the mind. They sat down and the professor just talked and talked and talked about what he already knew. Tea was brought in and the Zen master started to pour out tea for the professor, but when the cup was filled the Zen master just kept pouring, the tea spilling over the table. The professor cried out, "excuse me the, but the cup is full." The Zen master replied, "yes just like your mind is and there is no room for anything new."

GOD   top of page
God spoke to the devil and said, "Aren't you going to be idle now that man has found truth?" "Absolutely not," replied the devil. "I'm going to help him organise it."

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something's up. It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!" Being helpful doesn't always turn out like we imagine.

AUTHORITY
The doctor decided that it was time to tell the patient the truth. "I feel I should tell you that you are a very sick man, in fact you only have two days to live. Is there anything you desire to do or see in the time that remains?" "Yes," was the answer, "another doctor."

SINGING LESSONS   top of page
A woman was having her singing lessons, but she had such an awful voice her neighbour could take it no more. Finally he got so angry that he stormed up the stairs, bangs on her door and shouts. "Madam, if you don't stop that awful noise i think I'll kill you." "What are you talking about said the woman, I finished singing two hours ago!" It's the noise in our own heads that is the problem.

PARENTS
"Why is it that Billy is younger than you but his grades are better." "Because Billy's parents are clever."

NO DIFFERENCE REALLY    top of page
A Shepherd was tending his sheep when a man came along and stared chatting to him. “Excuse me, but how far do your sheep walk each day?” asked the man. “Do you mean the white ones or the black ones?” asked the shepherd. “Oh the white ones,” replied the man, -- “about four kilometres a day”-- “and the black ones?” “oh about four kilometres a day,” replied the shepherd.

The man asked again, “how much do they eat each day?” – “Do you mean the white ones or the black ones?” – “The white ones,” – “about 3 kilos of grass,” – “and the black ones?” – “oh about 3 kilos too,” The man was getting rather mystified. “And how much wool do you get from them?” – Do you mean the white ones or the black ones?” – “Let’s take the white ones first,” – “about 2 measures a year,” – “And the black ones?” – “Oh about two measures a year.”

At this point the man lost patience…”Here I am asking you questions about your sheep and every time you make me ask separately about the white and black, ones only to give me the same answer for both. Is there any difference at all?” “Of course there is sir,” said the shepherd with a knowing smile. “the white sheep are mine!” “And the black ones?” asked the man curiously. “Oh, they’re mine too,” replied the shepherd.

DOCTOR DOCTOR   top of page
A man walked into the doctor’s office and said, “I have this awful headache can you help me,” the doctor says, “of course but first I want to ask you a few questions. First of all do you go dancing?”

“Dancing?” replied the man indignantly, “of course not doctor, I never engage in such a vulgar activity.”

“Do you drink alcohol?” asked the doctor. “Alcohol? I never touch the filthy stuff, I’m living a spiritual life,” cried the man slightly offended.

“Look, I’m a bit embarrassed to ask you this but are you one of those guys who glides about of a night time, doing a bit of this and that?”

“Of course not doctor, what do you take me for. I’m in bed every night by ten o’clock and up at every morning at six to meditate and pray.”

“Okay, tell me said the doctor, this pain is it a sharp pain or a sort of dull ache?” “That’s it doctor, it’s a sharp pain right here.”

“Simple, my dear fellow, your trouble is you’ve got your halo on a little too tight. All we need to do is slacken it a little.”

WHAT'S LIFE FOR!    top of page
The master told of the time he spotted a boy out fishing one fine day. “Hello! Nice day for fishing” he said to the boy. “Yes,” Came the reply After a while the master says, “Why aren’t you at school today young man?” “Well sir, as you said it’s a nice day for fishing.”

NO WONDER    top of page
A young girl takes her school report card home to her parents.It said: Anna would be excellent in school if she didn’t let her joy of life get in the way of her studies.

EIGHTY THREE PROBLEMS    top of page
Once a farmer went to tell the Buddha about his problems. He described his difficulties farming – how either droughts or monsoons complicated his work. He told the Buddha about his wife – how even though he loved her, there were certain things about her he wished to change. Likewise with his children – yes, he loved them, but they weren’t turning out quite the way he wanted. When he was finished, he asked how the Buddha could help him with his problems.

The Buddha replied, “I’m sorry but I can’t help you.”

“What do you mean?” railed the farmer. “You’re supposed to be a great teacher!”

The Buddha replied, “Sir, it’s like this. All human beings have eighty-three problems. It’s a fact of life. Sure, a few problems will go away now and then, but soon enough others will arise. So we’ll always have eighty-three problems.”

The farmer responded indignantly, “Then what’s the good of all your teaching?”

The Buddha said, “My teaching can’t help with the eighty-three problems, but it can help with the eighty-fourth problem.”

What’s that?” asked the farmer.

“The eighty-fourth problem is that we don’t want to have any problems.”

Although we may not realise it, we all have a deep-seated belief that if we practice long and hard enough, our problems will go away. And beneath that belief lies an even deeper one: that our life should be free from pain.

Although these beliefs are what bring us to practice, a life free of difficulties is not what practice is about. Practice is about becoming awake to the truth of who we are. As we practice, our relationship to our problems may, in fact, become less burdened. But as conditioned beings, living in a messy world, we will always have difficulties. We will always have eighty-three problems.

YOUR LIGHT MAY GO OUT    top of page
A student of Tendai, a philosophical school of Buddhism, came to the home of Sufu as a pupil. When he was leaving a few years later, Sufu warned him: "Studying the truth speculatively is useful as a way of collecting preaching material. But remember that unless you meditate constantly your light of truth may go out."

EVERYTHING IS BEST    top of page
When Jiko was walking through a market he overheard a conversation between a butcher and his customer. "Give me the best piece of meat you have," said the customer."Everything in my shop is the best," replied the butcher. "You cannot find any meat that is not the best." At these words Jiko became enlightened.

LETTING GO    top of page
A man was on top of a mountain, he slips and falls onto a ledge, where he is holding on with one hand.

He waits, looks up and asks ‘is there anybody there who can help me’…there is just silence.

He looks up again and prays, ‘please is there anybody there who can help me.’ A voice replies, ‘yes I can help you, but you must do exactly as I tell you.’ ‘Yes, yes of course’ replies the man.

‘Then release your grip and let go’ replies the voice.

The man waits a while, looks around ‘is there anybody else there who can help me.’

YOU’RE ALREADY WORTHY    top of page
The local priest takes a criminal to a deserted island where he is to repent for his crime. 

Just before the priest leaves the criminal says say to him, “please leave me a prayer to help me be worthy so that I go to heaven.” Mustapha the priest gives him a prayer then leaves for his ship.

After reciting the prayer a few times the man forgets it so he runs across the water to Mustapha’s ship. “Please, please remind me of the prayer so I can be worthy and get to heaven” he shouts.

“For you no prayers are needed.”

IT’S UNDER YOUR NOSE    top of page
Juan a Mexican peasant used to travel over the border from Mexico to the US thru customs on his bicycle, each time he travelled across however he had a bag over his shoulder. Hank one of the customs officers became suspicious…he knew he was smuggling something, but what.

So hank stopped him, hoping to find something in it the bag but it was just full of sand. This went on for weeks, Juan would cycle over the border with a bag of sand on his back, everytime Hank would look in the bag…sand, just sand. He could smell a fish.

Anyway a few months later Hank was on holiday in Mexico and he saw Juan in a bar. “Hey fella remember me I used to work for US customs and you used to cycle through. Look I know you were smuggling something but I couldn’t for the life of me discover what…come on tell me, I’ve retired now.” Juan turns to him, “bicycles.”

ASSUMPTIONS    top of page
Daniel’s mum Elizabeth was very upset and the actions of her son. Every time they went out together he would walk a few yards ahead of her. “He’s ashamed of me, he’s ashamed of me” she would cry. Anyway, this went on and on, until one day she plucked up the courage to ask him about it. “Daniel, I’m so upset with you, every time we go out you walk ahead of me, you’re ashamed of me aren’t you.” “Oh mum no, no, it’s not that you’re so beautiful and young looking that I don’t want my friends thinking I’ve another girlfriend.

DON’T CHANGE    top of page
I was a neurotic for years. I was anxious and fearful and selfish. Everyone kept telling me to change, parents, teachers, even my best friend.

I wanted to change, but I simply couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried.

As a result I felt self-conscious, resentful and trapped.

Then one day, my friend said to me, “Don’t change, I love you just as you are.” Those words were music to my ears: “Don’t change. Don’t change…I love you just as you are.”

RUEBEN'S MIND    top of page
Rueben had got himself a new girlfriend, at long last. One evening he was expecting a call from her, which he didn’t get. “Oh if she doesn’t call tonight I’ll call her tomorrow” he thought to himself.

Just then a thought pops up, “what if she doesn’t like you anymore?” “Doesn’t like me” said Rueben to his thought, “of course she still likes me, I’ve treated her with nothing but kindness” and all was okay again.

That was until after dinner when she still hadn’t called, when another thought pops up. “Just supposing though that she’s gone off you now, the kiss last night wasn’t as passionate as before.” “Ridiculous” said Rueben to his thought somewhat irritated. “I’ve been a perfect gentleman with her, I’ve taken her to all the best restaurants, and anyway she was slightly ill last night.” That seemed to settle things, that is until was laying in bed, when another thought arose.

“But Rueben, she still hasn’t called and she promised. She’s probably being seduced by another at this very moment.” Said his thought.

Rueben sat up rigid in bed this was just too much for him. “How the hell could she be doing that, it’s absurd. I’ve bought her all the finest jewellery, taken her on a summer cruise, my god I even helped her get a job.” He shouted at his thought.

But the thought persisted.” Just what if though Rueben, just what if.”

That was it he’d had enough.

At that the phone rang and it was his girlfriend. “Hello my dear she said, I’m sorry I didn’t ring earlier.” “Sorry you didn’t ring earlier, sorry you didn’t ring earlier shouted Rueben down the phone. We’re finished, that’s it, you won’t cheat on me. I don’t want to see you ever again.” And at that he slammed down the phone.

ACCEPTANCE    top of page
The master was away for a few days and the cleaning lady was polishing his favourite vase when she dropped it and it smashed into a million pieces. Just at that point the master returned, and the little old cleaning lady looked around at him with horror, just ready to beg forgiveness “Don’t you worry about that old vase my dear I got it for pleasure not pain.”